Where are you?

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Joycemarielila Toafa

A house stood at the top of a mountain, nothing about its appearance caught the eye because it screamed plain and simple.

Trees surrounded it like soldiers protecting their king, rich green grass with a humble garden that sat at its left-hand side.

However there was something about this house that pinched interest within me, the aura from it was filled with a sense of home and belonging.

It almost felt like it was calling out to me. Happiness sang in the air while love guided the melody. Suddenly the sight started to get blurry; the house starts to move like it was running away from me.

The lushes that blessed the compound were nowhere to be seen while the once striking aura starts to fade.

The lingering sensation of home and belonging starts to drown into an unfamiliar feeling that was silently crawling in and dominating the compound, it almost felt like it was grieving a loss.

Hardworking, passionate and devotion were qualities that I admired.

God and family as priority defined your life, keeping promises and lending a helping hand were some of the things that you did best.

If I were to describe you in one word it would be “father” and if I was again asked to label you with just a single term it would simply be “inspiration”.

Whenever you’re around I feel fearless, it’s almost like I can reach to the sky and grab one of the stars.

When you’re in a good mood or pleased; the day will be too bright to live in.

A simple smile of approval kept me running while just a glimpse of your sly smirk granted me permission to carry on.

You made me believe that there will always be a tomorrow, you taught me the real meaning of success but most of all you trained me to be a fighter.

Whenever I fell down; you picked me up, when I felt like the whole world was against me, you made sure to remind me that you were there.

You by my side awarded me confidence to walk; knowing that you’ll be there was enough for me to stand tall.  

One day, I turned around; you were nowhere to be seen, I waited for you at school but you never came.

A day turns into weeks, weeks starts to count months and before I even realise it, you’ve been gone for years. You trained me, you taught me, you disciplined me but you forgot to do one thing.

You didn’t prepare me, for when you’re not around.

It must’ve slipped your mind because not even a single lesson that you gave me contained a method of how to live life when you’re not around.

I searched for you however you only stood there in photos, I wanted to hug you but it would be crazy to suffocate a mere portrait.

I see you smiling on the wall and I start to resent you because you stood there carefree while I’m sinking.

It starts to feel suffocating, the air that used to comfort me begun to do nothing but make me dread sunlight.

The house that once gave me a sense of belonging didn’t seem welcoming anymore.

At night I tossed and turned; no one came to comfort me, i fell from my bike; nobody picked me up and told me not to cry. Looking around the places we used to go to, I saw you standing there smiling at me.

Sighing with relief I ran to you but like thin air you vanished.

It felt like the earth moved beneath my feet and I dropped to the ground sobbing, screaming your name and questioning your words.

Why? Because you swore to be the hero nevertheless I’m dying and you’re not here and you promised me to always be there for me but where are you now? 

“In loving memory of “Muagututia Loli Faalogo Faasootauloa Matau Mose”

© Samoa Observer 2016

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