Dear Samoan people, Peace Corps and anyone else who dislikes me and President Donald Trump.

As you know, I have been investigated by the US States Department following my visit to your country last July to celebrate 50 years of Peace Corp work in Samoa. Pearce Corp was founded by President John Fitzgerald Kennedy 100 years ago.

I say 100 years ago because JF Kennedy was a man ahead of his time. In case some might think I don’t know my history.

Now, claims in the Washington Post, The Guardian (UK), Agence France-Presse and NZ and Australian news agencies, as well as your Samoa Observer that my behaviour at the celebration function was “shocking”, “undiplomatic”, “rude” and “culturally insensitive” is all false. “Pure fabrication”. “All fiction.” “Fake news. “Evil people.” Sad!!!” 

Let me tell you the facts. Alternative facts. Before my posting to Wellington, I was briefed by senior officials of the US States Department who explained to me what proper behaviour were for diplomats. When I questioned the appropriateness of some of those behaviour, they emphatically told me that if I weren’t sexist, shocking, rude, culturally insensitive and undiplomatic during official functions, guests would not know that I was the US Ambassador. 

So if people were upset, I’m sorry, but I was just following instructions.

You see, it is important for us Americans that we get noticed. How we do it is irrelevant. In some situations, we create a scene. And we may end up embarrassing some of our fellow citizens. 

In others, we start a war in places where no threat to peace is evident. Thousands upon thousands may get killed. But, as long as they’re not American, that’s fine. Death is the price they pay for not noticing us in the first place and for their failure to acknowledge the civility and dignity our presence bring to their gatherings.

Whoever made the complaint couldn’t have been American. It is un-American for a citizen to complain about their Ambassador. The US State Department officials who investigated me told me so. They also told me that CIA sleeping agents in the Peace Corps in your country will deal to the complainants.

As Americans, we learn from a young age that you don’t complain about people who offend you. You just shoot them. If you’re still not satisfied, then you shoot their friends, kids in their children’s schools or people who go to their favourite night clubs or attend outdoor concerts. That why our rights to carry firearms is guaranteed under the Second Amendment of our Constitution.

During my counselling, States Department Officials told me that I had nothing to worry about. Just be a bit more discreet next time. 

They also counselled me to do what President Trump said. People would let stars like him and me, do whatever we’d like to do to them. So, if we liked a nice woman, don’t waste words or ask for their consent. Just “grab them by the p****”.

That was my mistake. I tried to flatter this waiter I’d laid eyes on by suggesting she could “make hundreds of dollars working as a waiter in the service industry in the United States.”

I mean, I was just being kind to her.

But, now that I have time to reflect on the whole incident, maybe I should’ve heeded the President’s advice.

I’m really saddened by all these “rumours” and “innuendos” about my behaviour which is spreading like the California fire around the world. My comments weren’t meant to hurt anyone. They were meant to clear up the hurt in my eyes after having to walk through this crowd of people milling outside “who were all like grungy and dirty….We walked in and everyone was dressed to the nines.”

Yes. Inside, they all look great. Gail, my wife, looked great. But what was amazing was the fact that I suddenly felt my hurt eyes become fixated on a waiter’s voluptuous chest, as I tried to say to people, “you guys are beautiful, you look really handsome. You guys are great.” I felt like my eyes were being pulled by a giant magnet toward her chest. Like I was in a trance.

When I finally managed to pull my eyes away, they felt like something had been sucked out of them. The hurt was gone. Amazing. It was a surreal experience.

Honestly, I don’t believe in miracles, but if this is what they feel like, I’ll pray to have happen one to me everyday.

Sadly, people who had been watching me took offence to that. They also took offence to my telling them in the middle of my speech, twice or three times I think, to “stop talking, be quiet and listen to me,” and accused me of being “pompous” and “rude”. Very Sad!!! Evil people.

You see, in America, no one talks when President Trumps makes a speech. 

Even when he departs from the script and make one that is 3 or more sentences. I should have been accorded the same respect. Sad!!! Terrible people. Evil people.

The trouble with some people is they wake up in the morning with a wish to be offended. So they go out looking for an opportunity to be offended. And when they felt they had been offended, they run off to the media to tell them they had been offended. And what exactly was it that offended them? 

Oh, it was the Ambassador saying, “We are beautiful. We are handsome. We are great.”

So, again, I apologise to you people if I had offended you.

I promise that the next time I visit your country, I’ll wear a blindfold so I don’t have to look at all those “grungy and dirty” people. 

Or voluptuous chests.

Yours sincerely,

Snott Brown

Ambassador,

United States of Arrogance