It is great to see the many happy parents in last week’s newspapers with their children who were ‘Dux’ of their respective schools and colleges. The smile on their faces following the prize-giving says it all. Well done.

In Friday’s Samoa Observer, the ‘Dux’ of St Mary’s College attributed her success to her faith and guidance from her parents, saying they were always there supporting her even when she doubted herself. “You have supported my aspiration and given me patient, wise and loving guidance, you have given me your heart, your sacrifices and your unending support.” Her parents must be very proud. Congratulations to them for they have set an example that other parents can try to emulate.

Education and education-related fields are some of the areas that I have spent a big part of my working life in, both in New Zealand and Samoa. But my interest was always on how best to raise my one-year-old son who came to New Zealand with me when I left USP – Alafua Campus after six years. Raising a child on your own and trying to hold down a full-time job that involved a lot of travel up and down the country demands a lot of organisation and planning, but we survived. Luckily, childcare then was available and not too expensive like they do these days. Caring for and feeding him was no problem either as I sometimes reverted to my mother and her generation’s feeding practice of their young children by giving them masticated food. He never complained. Neither was he ever sick.

What I really wanted was for him to grow up to live a fulfilled, happy and productive life. That means setting some rules not only for him but for me as well so that we could both spend valuable and loving time together. I was never tired of answering his questions or explaining things to him when he was at that inquisitive age. We’ve all had experience of that. The poor seven-year-old, her mind is like a sponge absorbing every little knowledge she gets, but when she keeps asking questions, the parent will turn around and yell at her: “Ku’u ia. Fesili so’o, fesili so’o. Koe fesili mai loa pā le pō i lou guku.” (Shut up! Next time you ask, I’ll slap you in the face.” Sad, but unfortunately, that is part of our parenting and child-rearing practice.

Later, we wonder why our children grow up to be violent and aggressive adults. A child who lives in fear of smacking and making mistakes is never free.

My son now lives in Perth, Western Australia, with his wife and three children and works as a project leader for a big mining company. I visit them twice or three times a year. One of the children is at school and the others are still tots. But what strikes me is the way they raise them, especially the ones who are not yet at school. The parents never yell at or smack them. They already know their chores like picking up their toys from all over the floor and storing them away.

Eleven years ago, I took my partner and her six children to New Zealand. The oldest was 17 and the youngest was five. Although they desperately wanted to live in Auckland, I decided that moving to a quiet place like Palmerston North would be better for them. There, accommodation was cheap and easier to find, excellent primary and secondary schools all within walking distance and there were very few Samoans which means they were forced to speak English most of the time when they were away from home. That helped them to build up their confidence and made them fit in well with their new educational environment. Now, they’re so pleased I didn’t let them live in Auckland.

Everyone has a qualification in their chosen field; some through university studies, others through workplace training and assessment or apprenticeship.

Listening to our children, supporting their interests and praising their efforts whether for doing well in school or for helping out at home encourages them to develop a positively healthy growth mindset. We want them to grow up confident in their ability to learn and solve problems.

Having family rules or rituals also helps. Things like doing tasks together like cooking, gardening discussions during dinner or planning a trip somewhere during the holiday. You’ll be surprised at how your children take over planning what or how much each person should take or contribute.

Our household has rules that everyone must abide by a list of chores for everyone, time for dinner, and no mobile phone for those under sixteen. Once a person turns sixteen, she/he has to find a part-time job at weekends or weekdays after school. Not that we’re in poverty, but it is a way of introducing children to the ‘world of work’ so they can develop a work ethic from a young age. Our only child who is still at school, (we adopted her from Samoa 5 years ago), works on Saturdays and Sundays (16 hours). She gets about $300 in the hand. She gives her mother $100 to help with the groceries, banks $100 and the rest is her pocket money for the week. She’s chosen photography or fashion design as a career but will take a gap year off to earn enough money to pay for her course as she doesn’t want to be burdened with a student loan.

Teaching children to be financially independent and look after their own money instead of parents taking it all away ensures that they never get into financial trouble. Money is always the root of problems in many of our families especially those who live beyond their means because of the pressure from the village, the church and the sa’o. My heart goes out to all those young people who have ended up in prison for embezzlement because they just could not say no when their parents asked them for money to meet their commitment to these people.

Maybe it is time we start thinking about offering our parents training on how to ‘guide and support’ their children if they want them to live a fulfilled, happy and productive life by creating a loving at caring environment at home like the ‘Dux’ of St May’s College says.