What is your plan for parenting? The wish or expectation to be perfect and never make mistakes? That doesn’t exist. What does exist? Growth. The ability to pause, reflect, learn and change. You’re raising your children but you’re also raising yourself along the way. Constantly walking the fine line between your needs and your children’s needs and wants. We make mistakes and they feel awful but the learning is good. Regrets, the could haves, should haves, no doubt set us back . Then the wisdom that comes out of it teaches us so much more.

When it comes to children protection, many of us are failing. The headlines will catch your eye and mind for a moment, if you’re used to it, it’s normal to forget after a few minutes. If not, you may experience my own thoughts at every headline. You’ll feel that deep sadness, anger rise up inside of you when a child is mistreated, abused, sexually abused, starved or killed. You talk about it with your loved ones, you share it with your children so they are prepared for the Big Bad Wolf. So they know that the villains don’t just exist in their fairy tales. 

The excuse that the abusers come from broken families, were abused is not enough anymore especially those that have help available and have the chance to heal. Those who’ve been in and out of jail, doing the same thing. Another victim, another life ruined without blinking an eye. No remorse, no growth or a drop of change.

The headlines are not promising either.

“Samoan children held prisoner, beaten in San Pablo, police say’: Three Samoan children endured daily beatings, scarce food and confinement in a San Pablo backyard for about two years before escaping and reporting their plight at a nearby bar, police said Thursday. Their abusers? Grandmother and aunt.

‘Mother jailed for murder of newborn.. Samoa Court Justice handed down a 10 year sentence for a young mother who flushed her newborn baby down the toilet back in 2015’.

‘Unfit Mother’ sentenced to 11 years for causing death of one year old baby girl.

‘Mother sentenced to six years for whipping son to death’.

‘Mother accused of assaulting son when he asked to use laptop’.

28 year old mother charged with abuse or her 7 year old daughter.

‘Woman faces two assault charges, allegedly beating up her son and the women who reported it.

‘Mother accused of abusing her son after the aunty turns her in.

It seems that the men do most of the sexual abuse and women the physical abuse? Where are the positive, uplifting, encouraging headlines for parents helping their children or is that just reserved for White Sunday and Facebook posts? Are the women who abuse their children mostly single mothers excluding the teenager who did it out of shame and guilt? Are they stay at home mothers, dealing with the house, children, domestic work while the men go off to work and socialise after? What is the common factor that have caused many to lash out, take it out on their children because they have not been taught coping skills in dealing with children?

I often hear older women say “ O le mea a lega a le fafige ia o le vaai o kamaiki ma gofo i le fale. Ku’u ai pea le kamaloa ia e alu i le mea e fia alu ai’ (That is the woman’s role is to look after the children and stay home. Leave the man to go where he pleases). Well that was then. Women stayed home while the men worked hard as providers. Today, women are more educated and work full time. When we got married or in relationships, both parties agree to have children. Raising them is no different. New generations of Samoan women are earning more than their husbands or more qualified than their partners. You only need to look at the government circular or any service provider to see the number of women who are in middle management, principal officers, ACEOs.

Times have changed and yet culture still insists that women should fit in the domestic, don’t answer back, agree to whatever box. If both parents are working full time, then shouldn’t both be equally responsible in the home? So why are men given free passes when it comes to helping out in the house, baby sitting and social activities? Is it because Samoa has always been this way? Our parents knew what they knew. They followed their parents in raising us. Physical and verbal abuse were normal then.

Today, you’ll land in jail if reported.

We are at a crossroad with our own children. We know better and therefore we should do better. Most behaviour is learnt so we can unlearn many things that were not right growing up but that all depends on our willingness to grow. While we enjoy another peaceful Sunday Samoa, remember it’s important to ask questions. It’s okay to disagree with the norms if it means growth and safer environment for our children so that they don’t repeat the cycle of abuse.